Freshkid

2008-09-11T05:48:00.001-07:00

I thought the world would change me,
I thought I'd change myself.
I thought the world would change around me,
Well waddaya know.

2001-11-28T08:06:00.000-08:00

More from the mad woman with a German fixation.

he went to bed happy with his decision and woke up feeling happier than he had for a long while.
"up you get!" shouted the head SS guy - "its time for silly-hat wearing and bayonet practice".
it was 6am but already it was daylight, the recruita put on their uniforms and went out to the parade ground. the dummies had had their heads inexpertly stitiched back on and were propped up with poles and placed all over the yard
"Right, what i want you to do" said the head bloke "is to put these silly hats on and grab a rifle.
the recruits complied
"OK - i want you to fix bayonets, choose a dummy and charge it while screaming really loudly in German" said the head SS officer
"I really don't want to do this" thought Helmut "but I'd better so as not to cause any suspicion"
"yaaahhhh" he yelled as he stabbed the point of his bayonet into a sandbag man again and again
When he had charged and stabbed pretty much every dummy on the parade ground the head guy called the exercise to a halt.
"All right, men - time for a shower and a good meal"
"This might be my chance" thought Helmut
and just as he had that thought he saw a shiny car with the key in the ignition
"whoa!, how lucky is that?"
they were so busy trying to be manly that no-one noticed him stealing the car... he remembered the road to switzerland from the map he had seen the night before.
so helmut drove like the wind through typical German scenery and forests and possibly even the grunwald but i'm not sure
cos I don't know if its on the way…
but he drove
and drove
and drove a bit more

upon which, a swiss man jumped out of a bush and shot him throught the heart.
dead
oh dear.

FIN

2001-11-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

Once Helmut got back to his sleeping quarters he knew he was in trouble . The new recruits had spent the afternoon attacking human-shaped sandbags and decapitating them with piano wire. The others had seemed to enjoy themselves immensely. They attacked the dummies with gusto and Helmut could see real hatred in their eyes. "Blimey this is terrible" he thought.

How to escape - that was the only topic on Helmut's mind right now.

How far was cologne form the border with a non-nazi country? He had to get his hands on a Map!
"right then", he thought - I'll act like a total Nazi brain-dead ignorant violent arsehole and they won't suspect that i want to escape.

Before night fell, Helmut slipped into the library and looked for a map. Luckily there was one spread out on a reading table with lots of those little model tanks and stuff on it
"oooh" he said and picked up a long stick with a shover on the end and moved around some troops on the map"
"there aren't any on Switzerland - ha ha now there are!" Helmut pushed a model representing 10,000 soldiers onto the neutral country. Helmut studied the map - he found cologne - it was far to the west of germany, near the borders with the Netherlands and Belgium.
"hmmm, both those countries are occupied by the Nazis"
perhaps i could travel through Germany to the bottom bit and get to Switzerland... I know they're not blameless but at least I wouldn'd have to do all this SS stuff!

2001-11-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

Another post to Freshkid? Gosh I'm a busy, busy bee. I post...I post so...de-light-fully!
Come close...no...closer. That's it...no-one can hear us now...I'll tell you my secret idea...I want to revolutionize the dildo industry. Oh yes.

We all buy toothbrushes, we all buy hair-brushes (well...I don't, but anyway...lets pretend!)..but we don't buy dildos do we? You probably have more use for a dildo than you do for many of the other items you buy. But you're scared and ashamed that people may find it. Maybe not. But I can make it easier to get one.

Let me introduce you to a world of ergonomic handles. 'Ergonomic' in the sense that they fit the body...but where do they fit? Why not make the handles with an ulterior motive....a motive of pleasure. See where I'm going with this?
Remove the stigma...disguise the true purpose. Sell a million.

Subtle advertising necessary of course.

2001-11-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

Great story from my online buddy Natashamo here...she's part rabbit!
Helmut Snakenboog joined the Waffen SS because he couldn't think of anything else to do and it was 1936 and it seemed like a good idea he lived in Cologne with his parents who loved hitler and thought averything he did was great, especially sending the unemplyed to do unpaid farming work.
helmut thought they'd probably send him off to work on a farm for no money if he didn't quicky sort something else out for himself, so he joined the SS. He thought the uniforms were kind of snazzy, that skull and everything....the boots kinky!
He arrived at the barracks where he was met by some very gruff superior officers, he wasn't sure if he liked his colleauges.
Anyway - there was his uniform - freshly pressed and waiting for him on his bunk
mmmm...
Helmut tried it on
he looked in the mirror
he liked what he saw
he tried a hitler salute
he looked the business!!!

After roll call the new recruits went to have some food in the canteen. Helmut hadn't really thought about who he would be working alongside. Some of the others didn't look too bright...in fact they some of them looked downright thuggish!
"Ernst Shmug from dussledorf"
said the red-haired pig-faced youth to his left.
"looking forward to bossing people about, stirring up trouble and being murderous?" asked Ernst.
"well, erm, not really - I only joined because I liked the uniform, I was hoping for some kind of desk job really" replied Helmut
"I'm not into all that taking businesses off the Jews and then killing them stuff"
"I have to say I thought krystallnact was a very bad idea"
"Gnnnf" spluttered the red haired youth
"Don't you talk like that. That sounds like traitor's talk"
"are you sure you're not a spy.....or a Jew?"
"n-no, no I'm not either" sait Helmut. he was feeling quite sick inside now.
"achtung!" shouted one of the senior officers "you will now have taking untermechions' heads off with piano wire training in hut D, quick march"
"oh dear me, no" thought Helmut "this place really isn't for me"
"what can I do to get out?"
TO BE CONTINUED........

2001-11-26T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yes...I have index.blogspot.com. I am so clever, and so handsome and wonderfully cool.

2001-11-01T05:47:00.000-08:00

Looking out of my office window I can see the tops of buildings nearest to me, with an arc of hillside rising above them. The hillside is dark and shady where the trees climb diagonally towards the crest, and lit brightly by the sporadic sunlight that escapes the clouds near the top on the other side of the hill. It's one of those scenes you can stare at forever, drifting into a dream world and noticing ever more and more detail as you do. The trees are brown and yellow, looking like sponges, or mirroring a coral reef in their complexity of form. The grand pattern of natural organic development is quite clear when you start to draw these kind of comparisons. The beauty of nature eh? It's mad innit?
Clouds are HUGE! They dwarf the landscape round here. Because I'm up in the hills, and the prevailing wind comes up the valley towards me, the clouds always seem to be passing over the top of you like a grey roof. There's a feeling of oppression about living under a cloud filled sky...you don't look to the stars as much. I wonder if this is why the Celts were obsessed with nature and the power of things around them, wheras the Greeks, Inca, Romans and co. started off on their journey of far reaching philosophical fantasy?
I think if you see an endless blue sky above you each day, you're far more likely to look into it and wonder...Short days, long winters, black forbidding skies...these things lend themselves to introspection and solitude.

Enough for today? Probably.

2001-10-26T01:35:00.000-07:00

I likey likey monkey! Go and posty posty your own monkey on Popbitch

2001-10-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

Friday morning...rain, rain, and more rain. Not pleasant at all. I love it though, because I'm a contradictory kind of fella...and it's very calming on your nerves.
drip........drip......sploosh.......ahhh, I feel at ease!
"Oh good. Is it raining in London? Fancy a dance and then tea and cakes on my veranda? We can watch the raindrops ripple the pond sitting under umbrellas with Royal Doulton clinking in the kitchen as my maid brings the treats from her snug floury lair. "
I have been thinking of posting everything I put on the web on here. It would be an odd collection of nonsense, to be sure, to be sure. Upstairs from here you may see a quote I just pasted in...I think it's enough for now.

Here's a blog poem:
Blog log,
Blog log,
treat it like a dog,

Blog log,
Blog log,
looking very odd.

I like blog log,
it likes me.
Me and blog log,
live hap-pil-ly!

2001-10-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

hoopflap@hotmail.com if you're interested. Not that anyone reads these things. Fucking hell...what am I doing. Suck my tits!

2001-10-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't used a computer from home for a while, but now I've got the ring clangingly good NTL cable service. Oh but they're wonderful at NTL. Such curteous and amicable smiles and sycophantic rim licking as they put you on a list a thousand names long that hangs in the cleaner's room in the fucking arse end of nowhere. Bastards. And it's not that fast either.
And I see we're going to die soon. That's good. Missing uranium I heard...possibly weapons grade, whatever the fucking difference is. I have been watching nervous scientists tug their ties and avoid eye-contact trying to reassure everyone. Like I really care? It just slips over me like a soft woolen rug, blinding and comforting in equal measure. Hello Apocalypse.
But what I feel so aggrieved about, is that at the centre of this religious war, is Bethlehem. The ownership of Bethlehem causes more fucking shit than any 'evil' human has evered conceived of. And yet it still symbolises our peaceful Christmas, even though Bethlehem sounds like a fucking hell-hole in the Bible! I mean, in the Bible Herod looms over the populace like an alligator over a pool of baby turtles. It's always been a mess...it's hell on earth.
So will they assassinate the Pope? I wonder. It wouldn't surprise me at all...he's the symbol of all that the West holds dear...religiously and ethically speaking. No matter how liberal you feel, the Pope is still someone you feel is intrinsically a good man. And although he is very set in his ways, he must be alright....right? I don't think so. He is a symbol of intolerance and division...a devil figure. Why don't the religious leaders of the world make some effort to bring everyone together? Because having a total devotion to a single religion is MORE devisive and destructive to society on a world scale than either sexism or racism. That's why. Because they are instilled with values taught from birth (and before!) which cause them to separate and judge society. They are bigoted and separatist. I hate religion.

2001-10-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

Aha! I have a blogspot!
So here's what the deal is...I'll write crap, you read it! Ok? Cool.